1. 'Can you take over these fuckers?'
He's put together a cheap team, 'borrowed' sub-contractors from corporate projects to do up his own house, nothing is getting done on time, nobody's listening. You were the interior designer,now you're the project engineer.
2. 'You're too shagging polite'
You don't yell and scream at project meetings, but collar the foreman afterwards and tell him you're on tranquilizers because of him. Action for 2 days solid.
3. 'Can you get on to Christies/Sothebys and buy that Art Deco suite of dining and console tables from a collector in Chile?'
Get on to Christies and agree the bidding can only be done in person in New York. First class tickets please, no problem.
4. 'I only want curtains with flowers, my mother loves them'
You source hand-made, hand-stitched, hand-painted fabric woven by fairies. 1500 euro per inch.
5. 'I want the Killarney tables with inlaid thatched cottages, shillelaghs and shamrocks'
Absolutely, done. Your phone is on silent while you're having your eyelashes dyed, the auctioneer is calling from London. You Lie. You were out of coverage. They weren't good enough anyway.
6. 'I want to show you a job my builders have done, so you get my style'
You end up on the top floor of a Georgian building after dinner viewing a cheap kitchen and repro fireplaces, then he lunges. Scarper back downstairs quick.
7. 'What would I want with bare-breasted women on my walls?'
Reply from millionaire aviation chief to offer of a significant portrait by an 18th century Irish artist. His mother also decorates.
8. 'Keep those fuckers away from me'
He won't pay the builders, the engineers, the architects, the quantity surveyors, you're next on the bad debts. But he can't sell until the Council are satisfied with compliance. Leverage. He needs you.
9. 'Eh, that's grand but he's the boss here'
He says in deference to the eminence gris of Irish architecture, when you propose a better layout to 'his modernist creation.'
10. 'That mahogany staircase is in the way, we need three apartments on the top floor. Get rid of it'
The building is still empty five years on, in NAMA, staircase is still there.
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